Do you avoid emotional intimacy in relationships? Or do you maybe latch on to your partner, constantly seeking approval in fear that you’ll be hurt or abandoned? If so, you may have an insecure attachment style. Now, an attachment style refers to the way that an individual may connect with another in a relationship. A less secure attachment style can negatively affect the way one communicates and interacts with their partner, friend or other and ultimately be a detriment to the relationship. 

If you avoid emotional connection, maybe for fear or being hurt or rejected, you may have an Avoidant attachment style. Avoidants tend to be incredibly independent and rely on themselves. They may also distrust others and avoid meaningful connection. 

If you are Avoidant, you may have had a parent or authority figure that neglected you. Now, I know what you might be thinking: “Neglected? I was never neglected. There was always food on the table, a roof over my head – I was fine.” And those things may be true. But I ask you, can you recall a time in childhood when you felt truly comforted by a guardian? When you showed pain or emotion were you taken in with open arms? Taught to process and manage your emotions with tact? Or were you tossed aside, punished for being “disruptive”. If you identify with the latter, you may have experienced emotional neglect, which does follow you into adulthood.

Now, I ask you – yes, you on the other side of the screen. Do you experience low self-esteem. Do you often get desperately attached to a partner or friend, disregard your own wants and needs so that they won’t abandon you? If so, you may be anxiously attached or codependent. 

Codependents often have difficulty being alone. They constantly seek reassurance and validation, crave closeness and connection and can get extremely jealous. Though we have clearly described two very different forms of unhealthy attachment, they can often be rooted in the same type of emotional neglect or abuse. 

The avoidant reacts to the abuse by shutting off the possibility of it ever happening again, isolating themselves, while the codependent may unintentionally recreate the abuse by desperately seeking out similar relationships. A vital step in repairing any attachment style is figuring out why you’re attached this way. Dismantling core beliefs you may have about interpersonal relationships, conflict and intimacy. ALL types of intimacy. 

You may want to ask yourself why you’re so sure your loved one will leave you or why you’re so sure that being close with that person will never work out. So, do you believe you may be avoidant or anxiously attached? How does this show up in your life? Let us know.